Confessions of an Insecure Cheerleader

           

          Hello Ladies,

          I feel like this might be a good time to disclose some of the struggles, projects and challenges I’m working through right now. Full disclosure: I do believe in the power of empowerment, and I also am a champion of celebrating other’s beauty, wisdom, strength and ambition, but I  have periods when I struggle with myself. I have times when I find it easier to cheer on others than it is to give myself that same support. And I think that’s ok. I’m a human being who happens to enjoy advocating for others, that doesn’t make me immune from suffering my own challenges and set backs. So I thought I’d disclose a short list of the fears, struggles and contemplations I’m currently working through at the moment. It feels very raw to expose these vulnerabilities but I also think that’s a good thing. I’ve never believed you need to claim an “ esteemed high ground” in order to inspire, support and encourage others. I also think that when you champion others you need to be honest about your own soft spots. You need to have the bravery to admit to behaviors, thoughts or anxieties you encourage others to evolve past. And I also think this helps to remind myself (and others) that life is a constant struggle and it’s only through the struggle that we gain wisdom and grow.

            So here is my short list (we’d be here all day if I went through all of them and I pay my therapist to listen to the long list, so I’ll keep it short). My current top three areas (outside of politics and current affairs) that cause me self-doubt, anxiety, stress or worry… I hope this brings you insight, reassurance and optimism that we’re all battling monsters.

            #1. Being a self-sufficient, smart, funny, single heterosexual woman (in my 40's), seeking male companionship.

            So this issue brings up a lot of conflict for me. On one hand, I believe in my soul that a woman does not need to rely on men for self worth or validation, but I also find myself wanting a deeper intimacy with a partner and because I’m heterosexual this means I’m seeking male intimacy. This area is a real struggle for me. I have been left doubting my self worth, questioning what I’m doing wrong, and I’ve even questioned if I should change who I am to conform to arbitrary beauty standards, to be more accommodating and appealing to an imaginary man. These are all things I would immediately put the kibosh on if I heard another woman admit to. I’m sincere when I tell women to value themselves for who they are. It’s easy for me to see the beauty in all the smart, funny, strong women around me who also struggle with these issues. My belief in championing women makes it easy to excitedly jump into cheerleader mode when I hear a woman self-doubting. But at the same time, there are days when I struggle to find this wisdom for myself. I have days when I wonder if a romantic partner will ever value what I value in myself, and I feel saddened by the idea that they may not.

  

            #2. Having a side passion project: Some days I slay. Some days I’m led astray.

            My compulsion to champion and cheerlead others bled into developing workshops that explore teambuilding and leadership. It’s exciting to be creating something that touches others in a meaningful way, which is also something close to my heart. And while my efforts may be humble and small, it’s still exciting to have opened the door and given my voice to something I’m passionate about. But as exciting as this adventure is, it really reveals more about myself than I realized. I have days where my efforts towards this endeavor feel effortless, and driven by a greater purpose. Then I have other days… The other days start a little slower. They feel like moving through mud instead of having the wind at my back. Now, if I were to hear a woman confess these things to me, I’d non-judgmentally remind her that progress ebbs and flows. I tell her not loose sight of her accomplishments just because she may not have crossed all items off her “to-do” list. I’d tell her that her effort alone is a remarkable feat, and she should remind herself of this when having self-doubt, and use that reminder to buoy her. But for me, on the days I slay I worry it’s not enough and on the days I’m distracted or led astray, I feel deep guilt and can really be hard on myself.  

            #3 Struggling to be a cheerleader for others when I confront my own fears, doubts and self-worth…

             Cheering others on is something I have a natural aptitude for. I believe we all do better as a society when people have a strong sense of self. My intensions for empowering others really comes from a very selfish desire to live in a kinder more tolerant world. I take kindness on as a personal weapon and I see championing others as my way of waging war on the harshness I tend to confront on an almost daily basis. This inspirational work has placed me in a role of that requires, leadership and empowerment. These qualities are ones I’m eager to promote in others but, in full disclosure, I have my days when I struggle with finding in myself. This struggle makes me question if I’m adequate for the role I’ve taken on. I truly get joy and a sense of self worth when I encourage others, but in truth I can feel guilty if I slip into a place comfortable unproductivity, and I worry that my tendency for occasional slothfulness will ultimately undermine my ability to cheer on others in a meaningful and unhypocritical way. Now if I were to hear another woman voice these fears, I’d remind her that no one is perfect, and we do ourselves a disservice when we lose sight of that. I’d tell her that our shortcomings, imperfections and humanity are meant to keep pushing us to grow and push through that struggle. So I have the compassion and confidence in others but when I find myself in an adverse period I worry that I’m no longer qualified to lead or inspire others.

            The truth is, my struggles are part of the human experience and no one is immune from these feelings. We are all scared at one point. We all question if we are qualified. We all have moments of doubt or laziness. It’s how we handle these moments that chart our course moving forward. We all have set backs. We all have hurtles we trip over. We all have moments we question, second-guess and shy away from. But this is when I need to allow my vulnerability to be a strength, not a weakness. These are the moments when I need to examine what is behind the fear, the sloth or the self-doubt. It’s during these moments that I need to take my own advice and give myself a break, be kind to myself, and trust that my skills and attributes have value and a place in this world.

            We are all on our own journeys. We are all on our own paths; I do believe this. I believe we all have a contribution to make to this world while we walk though it. The trick is not to give into the self-doubt, not to give over to sloth, not to be consumed by fear. And in these moments when you start to question your worthiness, find your cheerleader, turn to your ally, or seek out your mentor. Find the leaders you look to and express the fears you dare not show the rest of the world. Speak the truth you’re hiding behind a brave face or fierce aura. And when you allow that vulnerability to expose your truth, embrace it. Love your imperfections. Hold them with tenderness and tell yourself, “this is just one aspect of who I am, this does not define me.” And the next time I’m facing anxiety, fear or self doubt I’ll try and be better about listening to the same advice I passionately give to others and not allow a bump in the road to derail my entire journey.  

                          Be well till the next post ladies!