When "pretty" fails to be a compliment

When I was younger I dreamed of about being called pretty by a boy. I would lay awake at night and fantasize about a line of men waiting to tell me about my own beauty and how it captivated them. I thought it was the highest complement a girl could receive from a man. "You are so beautiful," felt like the ultimate validation from a man. Those words filled me with reassurance that I was good enough and had worth. As I got older the power of these words continued to holds sway over me but I was unaware of the price I was paying to hear them.

I have always been a loud girl and full of energy. I have a loud laugh, which I enjoy using as often as I can. I am also opinionated. I speak my mind freely and often without reservation. Although, time, temperament, and experience has given me a better poker face and the gift of diplomacy.  As a women, possessing these strong traits earned me the kiss of death label: "intimidating." I spent many years wondering why boys I liked avoided me. I scratched my head trying to figure out what I needed to be to hear, "You're beautiful," from a boy I was attracted to. In my adolescence this was my highest priority.

Over and over again, I would find myself in tears as a crush would move past me to a more demure girl. Boys were allowed to be loud, funny, bold, brave, and it enhanced their charm, charisma and character. When I exhibited those traits I was too much to handle, and needed to be more "contained." I wondered what was wrong with me. Many older women, such as mom's of friends, teachers or trusted adults would wipe my tears away and say, "You are so funny. That can scare boys, and intimidate them." It would be decades before I understood what that meant.

As I got older I tried to find ways to fit myself into a mold I didn't belong in. I tried to dumb myself down. I ignored my own education because I didn't think it was cool or attractive to be smart. I was still funny but I spent less time showing that to guys I was attracted to. By college I backed away from dating because it was a constant string of rejections no matter how small I tried to make myself. I ended up "hooking up" with guys I was interested in hoping that the physical connection would win them over. It never did, and I was usually left feeling used or even more diminished.

I finally had my first serious relationship at 26 and lost my virginity. It was with a boy who told me I was beautiful. It was the highest compliment I thought I could ever receive. A boy I liked, liked me back and thought I was pretty. I felt validated and normalized, until the relationship ended. When I began dating again a year and a half later, I was more hesitant. I didn't lead with my humor. I held back my thoughts and opinions. I was vigilant about being intimidating.

By 29, I was in my second relationship. When it began I tried to control myself as much as possible... be funny- but not to funny. Try not to look too smart, but don't be dumb. Be interesting but downplay accomplishments. Once the relationship progressed I was able to slip into more of my own skin but it was a dance of wearing a mask and slowing revealing that I brought a lot to the table. But still during this period, the highest compliment I could receive, was being told I was beautiful. Yes, I was funny. Yes, I was smart. But I knew that was just the stuff guys passed over on the way to pretty and beautiful, which is what I wanted to be.

After that relationship ended and I moved to Hollywood, thing became much trickier. Dating turned me into a shapeshifter. I'd be on a date engaged, present and sentient and my date would say, "Wow... you're a talker." Those nights would end with a hug, never to be seen or called again. Or, I'd be more silent, searching for whatever shy looked like, trying to learn lessons from past dates. Los Angeles is in interesting area when it comes to dating. Insecurity and over compensation tend to be quite rampant, resulting in men looking for women who can behave more like objects rather than people.

The compliment of "you're so beautiful," becomes a code for, "please don't be more than pretty because I don't know how to handle a women who shows strength in humor and intellect." The more you date you become aware of these subtle cues. Once in a while I was even fortunate to confront it head on hearing, "Wow... you're really intimidating." My most memorable moment of hearing this admission was in a conversation with an attractive medical student. He was everything the younger me would have felt was "out of my league." I was curious and interested in his area of focus. I was inquisitive and engaged. For a brief moment I thought this was someone who I didn't have to fear scaring away, and then came the intimidating comment. It made me stop in my tracks. I was no longer embarrassed or filled with regret. Instead I wanted an answer. How was I behaving that was so intimidating? And so I asked.

His answer left me just as puzzled and dissatisfied. I stopped in that moment, unable to move past it like I had done so many times before. So I asked, "Seriously, what in this moment is making me intimidating, because that is not my intension and I don't want you to feel that way."

"I don't know," he said. "You're just smart, you're pretty, and you pay attention."

And that was my answer. What made me intimidating? I was inquisitive, and engaged. In that moment I realized if this was where the bar was, I'd never be able to lower myself enough. I went home that night defeated. How useful was beauty if you weren't heard or truly seen? And that was my "fuck it" moment. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't, and I realized my only way forward was to be myself, fully without apology or reservations.

Dating after that moment changed for me. I was open and unabashed in my intellect. I was curious in conversation and embraced my opportunity to reveal my humor. I wrapped myself in confidence because, if the date was going to fail, I wanted it to fail knowing I was the best version of myself. I began to approach dating with more than just wanting to hear I was pretty, so I had to be more than that. Suddenly that complement I spent my whole life hanging my self worth on, didn't have the same value, I needed more. Dates who struggled to find footing to keep up, suddenly were seen as deficient and lacking what I needed to be stimulated. I no longer swooned when a man cut me off mid conversation to tell me I was beautiful, in order to silence talk he felt was "to smart for a first date."

I may not be lucky enough to find a partner who can hold their own with me. That may not be in my cards, and each year I find peace with this a little more. This is not to say I don't have partners or an active sex life. This is not to say I've stopped trying. What I am saying, is that I now move through this world feeling more secure about who I am, knowing that the only way I face defeat, is to try and stuff myself back into a box that cannot contain me. And I will not be swept up in allowing myself to just be pretty anymore. What I find beautiful about me is that I am complex, funny, boisterous, smart, witty, kind, compassionate, assertive, loving, and sensual. I no longer feel the need to hide or diminish any of that, in order to accommodate someone who is just looking for "pretty," and I hope I am not alone in this decision.