Choose Your Weapon

            Choose your weapon. This seems to be the mentality across much of the country right now. Find a way to defend, arm and protect yourself. Our culture now has a well-oiled response when tragedy hits. The tragic event transpires, first responders are notified and the media follows swiftly behind. Cameras broadcast horrific images to a nation that is becoming more and more desensitized to these events. The airwaves fill with pundits, political leaders and talking heads all clamoring to add their two cents to the circulating cacophony and yet no solution is ever reached. No progress is made. No productive effort is undertaken to prevent the next tragedy. And then the next tragedy hits and the cycle starts over again.

            It’s impossible not to feel helpless. It’s a struggle not to give over to hopelessness too. But as most Americans try to make sense of the hyper violent culture we live in, we also know that we are becoming accustomed to a routine of mass shooting violence that no other first world stable democracy deals with. And true to our montage-loving, instantly gratifying society, we want a simple solution to a very complicated nightmare. So we look to our leaders, knowing we’ll be let down and left behind. We label, blame and divide causing more fissures to wounds that aren’t healing. And we bury our dead and wait for the next tragedy to occur.

            We are told more guns are the solution. We are told no guns are the solution. We are told to send our thoughts and prayers. We are told to donate to causes promising to end this cycle but the funds raised never seem to be enough to effectively stop the slaughter. So, we learn to hold our loved ones close because experience has shown us that any experience could be our last; be it a day at school, a trip to Vegas or a night at the movies or night club. We have learned to live in a society where ordinary becomes extraordinary without warning.

            We have lost our innocence. The wool has been lifted from our eyes. The rose color glasses have cracked. The damage is done. We cannot turn back time and recapture our virginity, once gone it is gone forever. So the traumatic loss usually prompts two responses: Tune out or Dig in. For many of us, the lack of leadership, an unwillingness to examine and ask hard questions, and the routine frequency which these events transpire are to much to bare. So we glaze over, withdraw and shut down. For others we passionately demand dramatic action: a single law to pass, an organization to be disbanded, or a political party to be replaced hoping one of these changes will delivery our salvation. And the cycle continues.

            So we find ways to adjust to the new circumstances. We discuss, plan and prepare for how to escape, survive and avoid mass killing. We become a little wearier, a little more distrustful of non-conformists and those who are different from us. It’s understandable that this skepticism becomes our coping mechanism. But what if our trepidation is contributing to the chaos? What if the solution isn’t to hide in the shadows but reach out and connect with the “others” in our society?

            After this last high school shooting in Fla., an article came across my news feed. A mother wrote the article about her daughter’s teacher, who had a system to identify outcast students. The takeaway? We all have an ability to do something. While putting pressure on our leaders is productive, it will not be enough to fix the problem of members in our society feeling disconnected enough to want to harm large populations of people. This will not be solved solely through legislation, although that will be one effective tool.

            I also read the Chicago Tribune article that gives a brief background of the young man who was the shooter. It was clear he was battling demons and the family who took him in, was not equipped to handle the challenges he came with. This young man clearly felt disconnected from his peers, like many shooters before him. He clearly felt alone. He clearly needed help. He clearly fell through the cracks, lost in the shadows of isolation. He was a pariah, and our culture rewards those who punish and ostracize the pariahs.

            But when a pariah has been pushed to the limits from societal black listing, our country has made it far to easy for them to choose their weapons. They do not reach for patience or perseverance; they casually walk into a store and purchase their weapon. They do not arm themselves with tolerance to stand up to the adversity, bullying or cruelty they have suffered; their weapon claims lives. There is a popular notion after a mass shooting that we need more weapons, and I tend to agree. But where I disagree is which weapons we employ to solve this crisis.

            There are many who want us to believe and that the weapons of combat warfare are the most effectives tools we can apply to the problem, but I think this solution only results in one outcome: a more militarized, fearful society. This solution is predicated on fear. It manipulates our fear into thinking the more firepower we amass, the safer we’ll be. But this solution does not remove fear it only arms it. A fearful society cannot truly commune together. A fearful society cannot truly see each other with equality and respect. A fearful society is always ready to lock their doors rather than open their hearts. So maybe we should examine other weapons available to us. Maybe it’s time to rethink how we arm ourselves.

            For me personally, I have turned to kindness. I do not have any simplistic belief of sunshine and lollypop’s saving the world, rather it’s been one of the hardest tools to pick up and use at times. But my experience with kindness has shown me time and time again that it is a real force, and has the power to effect immediate change. I use kindness because it has been proven to me to be capable of accomplishing multiple results at once. Kindness can heal, empower, encourage and transform all at once. Kindness can give sympathy, compassion, respect, and humor all at the same time. Kindness allows the playing field to be equalized creating a space of inclusion and tolerance.

            For so many of us, our lives are lived with self-imposed barriers. Many of us desire elite lifestyles, living behind gated communities, or in sky rise towers, or we desire mega-mansions all of which are walled off from different socio-economic levels. We tend to socialize with people who look like us and think like us. We tend to shun those who may speak a different language or who have different backgrounds from our own. We look up to the powerful and look down on the meek. We sympathize with the wealthy and chastise the poor. We find it hard to connect with struggling people, and prefer the sterile conditions of a private club, an exclusive congregation, a members-only neighborhood. This, in many ways, has become the culture of our country… and still violence, divisiveness and tragic events increase.

             So we wait for a solution to be presented to us. We hold out hope that our salvation will be delivered to us in the from a value meal: fast, cheap and ready for immediate consumption. We want our answers to be succinct, easy to swallow and convenient. But change is never easy or simple, and effective change requires us to contribute in some way. For the sake of public safety we imposed traffic laws and (most of us) conform to those rules when driving. For the health of our environment and our citizens, more states are recycling. And each year, we collectively pay taxes to keep programs that we benefit from operational. The issue of mass shootings needs to be viewed with the same collective contribution from all of us.

            Those who know me know I’m big on sharing eye contact and a smile. There is a reason for this and it has nothing to do with any altruistic aspirations. I have found that the more I make this simple level of connection with people, the more they return the gesture. So why does that matter? On the most basic level, when you are seen and acknowledged by another person, you feel less alone. Being seen and received with kindness matters because it can shape our sense of self worth. And if tens or hundreds of people multiply that gesture each day, you begin to see your world differently because you are not alone, you are being seen and you feel like you matter. You feel like you matter, because you do.

            As our mass shooting cycle enters the blame and solution phase, we will most likely avoid the topic of utilizing kindness. We will offer elaborate and costly solutions that soothe the symptoms but do not treat the disease of mass violence in America. So I offer this up for each individual struggling with what they can do: Arm yourself with kindness.

            Go into the world observing those who are different from you. See the people who have less than you. Hear the people who speak a different language. Speak to those who look different from you. And you can do all of this with simply making eye contact and smiling. Observe when this makes you nervous, and examine why that is. Notice when this comes easily and ask yourself why? Do you see others with fear? Do you avoid certain people? Observe all of this and work to push past that. The more you make eye contact the easier it becomes, and the more you smile you’ll find it’s returned to you. This is the power of kindness.

            Kindness creates awareness and once you have an awareness, it’s easier to find compassion. And make no mistake our lack of compassion has brought us here. Our indifference is the enemy. So as the debate rages on and we consider our best defense, I won’t be choosing a weapon capable of taking a life. The weapon I choose will be capable of healing injuries not inflicting more pain. My weapon of choice is kindness, because I cannot feel safe without it.