Emotional accountability

Hello Ladies!

I had a teachable moment recently and I felt it was necessary to share. I was given a friendly reflective reality check. In other words, I confronted the disappointing negative side of myself. If you’ve ever had the experience, then you know this can be uncomfortable. Confronting your faults requires that you examine your perceived outward appearance verses how you may actually appear at times. It can be a bitter pill to swallow. The reason I thought this story was an important share was because of my response when I was forced to confront my own behavior. In an instant, I had two opposing reactions, logical and emotional, and I was at a fork in the road of my self-conduct. But before I dig in let me back story for a bit.

LA is a transient city for both people and relationships. As a result, few people actually feel accountable to each other. If you ask most people in the city, LA’s fickle social scene is something they don’t appreciate but may also be guilty of participating in from time to time. Things come up, we get busy and plans get put on hold or cancelled. Los Angelinos may commit to plans one day only to flake out or be no-shows on the day of, it’s so common most of us accept it as LA culture. As a result, many of our relationship have a surface quality to them. On some level I think many of us make these choices intentionally, keeping people at arms length allows us to pursue our goals without being accountable to others needs or demands. Many of us offer few expectations, and in exchange, we understand when we are flaked on. It’s part of the unspoken social fabric of the city, “as long as you don’t ask to much of me I’ll never expect the same of you.” It’s a shitty contract but one that can be comfortable, like your favorite couch you just can’t seems to get off of every so often. You become sucked into the comfort, releasing yourself only to open the door for the delivery guy or to visit the bathroom.

The downside to this shitty social contract (beside the disregard it shows to your fellow human beings) is that we cultivate lackluster relationships. We risk nothing in terms of vulnerability so we gain nothing in ways of deeper connections with each other. It’s a perfunctory quid pro quo. As a result many of us experience deep loneliness and strong feelings of isolation. We don’t feel connected to the people around us because we really aren’t. But once in awhile we do make a connection, sense a spark or share a moment and it's how we treat the profound simplicity of these exchanges that can alter our relationships and lives.

I have been lucky during my time in LA. I have been in a present state of mind to experience wonderfully simple exchanges with people who have gone on to become true friends and confidants. Moments of shared laughter, pain, joy or sadness have brought a wonderfully rich tapestry of individuals into my life in a city that can feel very isolating. But even with the amazing relationships I’ve been grateful to have, I’m guilty of not honoring them at times. Often when this occurs, my friends will default back to the LA quid pro quo. Any disappointment is glossed over with a, “Whatever man, it’s all good. No worries. Next time.” But does that make it ok? A recent experience had me mulling this over.

I have a dear friend who is a recent connection in my life. We share a few common interests and have bonded over politics and city events. We’ve made a number of plans outside of our political action group and I discovered that I really valued having another female relationship outside of entertainment. I especially appreciate that I can speak openly with about my views and opinions and love that she is just as opinionated, passionate and intelligent as I am (if not more so). The bottom line is she’s a kick ass woman who I’m proud to call a friend and I feel honored that I have her relationship in my life.

So how did this relationship lead me down the road of self-reflection? I dropped the ball. If I’m being totally honest I became busy and I relied on the shitty social contract of LA to bail me out, and thankfully it didn’t. I made plans for two events within a few weeks of each other and had to back out of both. The first occasion I should have been better about communicating. My work schedule changed at the last minute (as it often does in entertainment), forcing me to leave later to an event then I wanted. Traffic caused problems for me and I ended up deciding to return home rather than stick it out and risk not getting a seat. So how did I drop the ball? I didn’t communicate this to my friend who I was attending the event with. She ended up going to the event, expecting to meet me and I flaked when I hit traffic and didn’t follow up with her until she reached out to me. It was a shitty move on my part. On this occasion my friend, who had every right to be disappointed, didn’t say anything.

A second event followed not long after, I had agreed to do some political work and committed to an event. Once again work came up and placed a burden that forced me to back out. This time I did reach out to cancel and luckily my friend decided to be vocal about how she felt. She texted that while she understood work was important this was the second time I was cancelling plans and that it didn’t make her feel good. Commitments are something she takes seriously. This event was one she rearranged her schedule for and when I backed out, it felt like I was disregarding her time and friendship. So here is what happened when I read that…

My pulse began to rise and my stomach turned. I felt flush and instinctively wanted to deflect from owning my behavior. My mind swam with a litany of defenses. Didn’t she realize work was important? Why was she taking my cancellation so seriously? Was she really holding my feet to the fire on this? And on and on my mind went, in an almost subconscious fight or flight response, a feeble attempt to camouflage my short coming. Then I paused and took a breath. Let me repeat that: I paused and took a breath, and my entire perspective changed, luckily.

I sat in how I felt but didn’t react. I just observed how I felt… and how I felt was terrible. I felt like I had disappointed her. True, work placed a demand on me that I chose to make a priority but could I have handled things better? Also, if my friend’s relationship was one I really value, could I have communicated better? The truth is yes.

I needed to own my actions, not cover them up. I needed to examine how my behavior affected another person and not try and deflect from that. In this moment I needed to take responsibility or risk alienating a friend. Taking a pause in this instance gave me clarity and focus that allowed me to respond like a rational adult, not a defensive child. Sitting in this moment was not comfortable nor was it fun. Once I gathered my thoughts I responded and owned my behavior (paraphrased below) …

I totally understand. I’ll be better about committing in the future. I’m sorry if I let you down. You have my word.

                                                                                                                                               

            As I hit send, I still felt bad. So I did what I normally do when I’m wrestling with my emotions, I called my sister.

            “Oh, Kook.” She said (her affectionate nick name for me). “You feel guilty.”

            And in an instant I had the answer. That’s what was going on, I was dealing with guilt, which is a powerful and deceiving emotion. It’s a tricky motherfucker if you don’t nail it down at the start. Guilt has a way of triggering a primal cover-up response that can be pretty hard not to give in to. Once I identified my emotion, it became easier for me to identify what the hell was going on. On the surface, it seemed simple; I fucked up. I dropped the ball, got called out and had to confront my misstep but it’s much harder to do in the moment. For current examples of this reaction look at the current climate of people having harassment claims made against them. There is usually a clear pattern of behavior associated with the claims that mostly include, deny, deflect and blame.

            
             Once I cleared the air and checked myself, I realized accountability made me stronger not weaker. Respecting my friend’s emotions and listening to her created a more trusting relationship in my life. The lesson that came out of this situation was that maybe I do need to be better about the commitments I make. And sure, there will be times when I fuck up, I’m only human, but when these moments happen just own it and sincerely apologize. Try and be better. Show the people you care about you can be held accountable. In the end, you end up gaining more than you give up.

            On further reflection, I also spent time with how brave it was for my friend to communicate how she felt. It has become very common in our culture to diminish someone who vocalizes when they are hurt. Signs of sensitivity come under attack for a lot of us. The terms “snowflake,” “sissy,” “wimp,” and others get thrown around very easily and without much thought. We don’t live in a culture that supports open communication when someone feels wronged. I can trace my own struggle with this back to my childhood within my own family.

             For years I wrestled with identifying and expressing my emotions and often it was meet with disregard and ridicule by others. Hearing disappointment, upset or anger can open the door to a pile-on effect for people who can’t confront their own behavior. Often when I’ve expressed my emotions in the past, I’ve countered a wall of avoidance or counter-attacks, instead of the serenity of a Zen master. Many friends in the legal profession are particularly skilled at this. The knee jerk reaction is, “claim no fault” and the cost of this behavior can be pretty severe.

            For years I didn’t air my grievances in order to avoid confrontation. I diminished my feelings because I lacked the confidence to defend myself. As I got older, I had to learn to find my voice. I had to learn to value my emotions and eventually I had to develop the ability to speak my truth when necessary. It’s a hard thing to do, and I’m still struggling with it. I think this is why I was able to see the bravery in my friend’s decision to confront me and to try and honor how she felt.
  

            Bringing grievances forward reveals a lot about a person’s character. Between the person expressing their misgivings and the person hearing them, both parties have an opportunity for growth. In my experience, I’ve had people dismiss me, or belittle my feelings which made me distance myself and pull away from those relationships. I’ve also taken stock of my friends and family who DO listen when I express difficult emotions and these relationships have grown and become stronger allowing me to return tenderness to them. In a sense, the reverse of the LA quid pro quo happens.

            Knowing that I’m accountable, even when others aren’t, becomes a practice in detaching from disappointment. One person’s code may likely not be your code and that’s ok, it shouldn’t prevent you from expressing how you feel. Likewise, the practice of respecting how others feel even if it isn’t returned gives you greater insight into the people around you. Just simply try to observe these moments without judgment (and yes, I still struggle with this).

            When people share an honest vulnerable moment, without judgment or condemnation, a deep connection is made. This sincere connection can cement a strong foundation that is at the root any deep bond. The relationship may be with you for a moment or a lifetime but either way it’s a strong tie that gives you a greater appreciation for the world you inhabit. It is this type of relationship I try to achieve with most people now, but it requires that I hold myself accountable during times when I’ve dropped the ball or disappointed someone. The accountability may not always be reciprocal, but that’s when I’ve found my behavior to matter even more.