Leadership Part 1: Answering the Call to Lead.

             This weeks post is part 1 of a multi-part post. When I sat down to write on the topic of leadership, I quickly realized I had a LOT to say... SO I'm breaking it up. Part 1 is focused on stepping into the role of leading through exposure. And unlike recent stories of exposure, this type of exposure can actually leave you feeling stronger, more empowered and less willing to take shit from the patriarchy. So let's being... 

           What up Ladies!!!

           

Congrats on surviving another week in our amazing misogynistic, democracy. Are we great again, yet?? Because I don’t think I can survive another year of watching my rights be ignored or erased with the stroke or a pen. So lets take a moment and soak in the most recent crotch shots. Let’s give a shout out to Matt Lauer. Just when we didn’t think the bar couldn’t get lower after Weiner Weinstein and To Catch a Predator: Evangelical style, along comes our ever tasteful, sensational, media. Apparently a story has come out that Matt used his power and privilege to fuck a young employee unconscious in his office and she had to seek medical treatment. This was so jarring even I wanted to disconnect from reality and believe in the fake media. I don’t even know what to say to this new horrific low.

And before we forget (and I mean how can we forgot, since we’ll be paying for this the rest of our live as we struggle to subsist in the new American economy) THE GOP TAX PLAN!!!! Huzzah and merriment!!!! (that’s code for save your money and invest in camping equipment because there is a good chance we won’t survive the economic fallout from this corporate blumpkin). So thank you white men of power! You’ve demonstrated, once again, that we can’t trust you for shit to look out for the rest or us. Ladies, this is where we are… stuck between predators and policy. Welcome to the world of being a second-class citizen. But if we’re going to be completely honest a large portion of our population has been here for a while. As the protection of privilege is quickly being eroded, we can no longer afford to insulate ourselves because, as we are learning, we are ALL in this together. The USS MAGA is starting to sink and most of us are on the lower decks. Which brings me to this week’s topic…

Ladies, it’s time to pick up the mother-fucking reins, join the team, and support the women around you who are engaged in the heavy lifting. If we don’t want to sink we’ve got to grab a bucket and work together to start bailing out the ship. We need to stop waiting for our invitation and we need to start planning our own party.  For those of you waiting for your opportunity to step into a role of leadership or be an asset to a team, your time has come. The process of going from passive to active in our own lives is not an easy journey but it’s necessary. Ladies, it’s time for us to lead.

For many of us the idea of leadership immediately sends us into an anxiety comma. All of our insecurities bubble up from childhood. Who will listen to me? What do I know about leading? Do I even have anything to say? What if I fail? Any number of negative questions tend to illicit a knee jerk reaction from most of us. But here’s the secret: None of that shit matters. The most important thing to realize is what the experience of leadership is. The valuable lessons of leadership can only be learned once in the role; even if the lesson is, I learned I’d rather not be a leader. The bottom line is, every women needs leadership experience. Plus, once you have an appreciation for how hard leading can be, it may make you more supportive of those stepping into leadership roles. The only thing better than a strong leader is the even stronger base of support around her. 

           

Now when I say leadership experience, I’m not talking about saying you’re a CEO or feeling like you have to run for office (although I’m very excited to see more and more women stepping into these roles). You don’t need to have a flashy title, corner office, or expensive power suit; in fact most of the best leaders I’ve worked with didn’t have any of these things. If leading scares the shit out of you, start small. Think about the things that you get excited about doing. Take on the responsibility of planning something, anything. This will automatically place you in the role of leader. Plan a game night with friends, or a weekend road trip. Decide to head up a group tag sale, book club, or volunteer to lead a committee for a local issue. Whatever it is, find something you enjoy doing and think about how that activity could benefit from getting more people involved.

My favorite leadership exercise is hosting dinner parties. Hosting naturally requires leadership, but it’s easier to manage when it involves friends in a social setting. Even the decision to have a party sets the ball rolling towards leading because that involves decision-making, planning, and communicating.  Did you pick a date for the event? Congrats, you’ve made your first move as a leader. Once you’ve got the ball rolling, the decisions that follow all require executive action. Deciding the invite list, how large or small is the gathering? Do you plan a menu or do pot luck? If you do pot luck, how do you organize who brings what? Is the party themed… and so on. The lessons from doing something as common as a dinner party can teach you a lot about leading. And even if you learn that you’re more comfortable not leading, that’s a great lesson too.

Leadership may not be for everyone but the best way to discover that, is to experience leading. It will also help you appreciate the next leader you work with because you’ll know on some level the demands and pressure they face. I love switching between leading to being a team member. I always learn more about myself when I wear different hats. Before I led a team I really had very little appreciation for many of the leaders I worked with. When I worked with a good leader I just assumed they knew what they were doing and that they had all the answers. When I worked with a less competent leader, I always assumed they were inept. Both of these impressions were wrong, but I didn’t know this until I was in the hot seat.

One of the best aspects of leading is that it can help you discover more about yourself. It’s a very direct way to realize your strengths and weaknesses. For me, this is the lesson I’ve been most grateful for. I’ve had successes and failures but each experience has left me a little wiser. I’ve developed confidence I didn’t know I had. I’ve also been humbled by setbacks, which gave me deeper insight than any success ever has. Leadership was something I grew into. I didn’t master it overnight and I'm still learning as I go. With each new opportunity came new lessons, some of which took me years to learn. When I think about my experience with leadership four distinct memories come to mind, each bringing with them four separate lessons that have been at the foundation of my leadership style. My earliest leadership lesson was taught to me in the way life's best lessons are usually taught; through mistakes and fiasco.

 I got my first taste of the power of leading when I was in middle school. My mother enrolled my sister and I in an after school program that had a variety of activities, one of which was swimming. Being in the 8^th grade, I was older than most of the kids. I was also a very competent swimmer. I was entrusted with the responsibility of being a Jr. Lifeguard, and was given a whistle. Oh the power!!! I now had the tools to command attention and respect. My little 12yr. old ass blew that whistle and yelled, “No running!” and “Stop that!” every chance I got. I was a tyrant in training. But here’s the funny thing, only a few of the kids listened to me. The more I yelled and screamed, the less I was heard. Finally my boss, Claudia, pulled me aside one day.

“You know, I’ve noticed you tend to yell a lot when you’re on the deck.” She said.

“Yeah, these kids are crazy! They just don’t want to listen to me. I blow my whistle, and tell them to stop and they just do what they want!” I said, exasperated.

She smiled for a moment and said, “You know, sometimes the best way to be heard is to not say anything.”

At 12, this was not a concept I could grasp. How was being silent going to get Mike to stop running on the deck and jumping in the pool from the side (an activity explicitly forbidden in the rules of the pool)? Without order there was chaos, and I was responsible for keeping order! If people didn’t listen to me the entire balance of free swim would be thrown off. I had to enforce control or all hope would be lost.

Claudia listened and smiled at how serious I was taking my leadership role as guardian of free swim. After I listed my grievances she said, “You know, when you yell all the time, people tend to tune out. Sometimes you got to pick your moments and let other things go.”

“But Mike is always acting bad AND he never follows the rules!” I protested.

“True, But what would happen if you tried ignoring Mike? Did it ever occur to you that Mike does that just to get a rise out of you?” Then Claudia added, “Maybe the next time, instead of going nuts, just calmly explain if he keeps it up he’ll have to deal with me. You don’t need to yell, just give him his options and see what he does.”

It would take me years before I was able to really master a powerful silent presence, and Mike  still acted like a dick that wouldn’t listen but, I did take Claudia’s advice. Slowly over the next few weeks I did notice a change. The other kids were better at interacting with me and I started to have more fun as a Jr. Lifeguard. When I wasn’t so focused on making sure people knew I was “in control”, I earned more respect. The power of this lesson wouldn’t fully sink in for a long time but it became an essential stone in my leadership kit.

Leading requires splitting focus, multitasking, being held accountable, being able to communicate… A good leader is good at delegating but will stay present and accessible to the team. She’ll give supportive instructions not just dictations. When done properly, it’s rarely easy. I’ve had times when I had to deliver tough news to my team when deadlines change or projects adjust. Being a lead requires that I step up in those moments, it’s not fun but that’s the job. So I’ve learned to improve my communication skills (largely by learning from good leaders I worked under), when delivering difficult news. And much like planning a party, you may discover leading can be an art form, requiring you to have your own style or aesthetic.

           To quote Spiderman’s Uncle Ben, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” For some of us, the notion and allure of being “in charge” goes right out the window once we realize the level of responsibility involved. For others,  power can be the major motivator to want to be a leader, but it doesn’t make for good leadership. Finding a balance between managing the power and accepting responsibility tends to yield the best results but it can be a struggle. Despite the demands leadership can make, I cannot advocate a better way to learn about yourself. Leadership is the most direct way to  discover your strengths and also areas of improvement.

Unfortunetly, our current climate is no longer permitting passive participation. Leaving decisions that directly effect us, up to those do not recognize our perspective, is to hand over our power. The time has come to start thinking about ways to take an active leading role in our lives. It’s not going to be an easy experience but that doesn’t mean it won’t be valuable. You may discover hidden talents you didn’t know you had. You may connect with a voice you didn’t realize you possessed. You may learn your best qualities are supporting those around. No matter what the outcome, you are bound to experience a greater sense of empowerment, liberation and confidence; And that should be something EVERY women gets to experience.

Over the next few posts I’ll share more of my experiences with leadership. Some of these stories will be about lessons learned, people who influenced me and mistakes I made, but all of them helped to shape my leadership style. Speaking from personal experience, I cannot advocate more to the importance of having female leaders. Some of my best career lessons came from female leaders who encouraged me to follow in their path. I believe the more women move into leadership roles, the more we will cultivate a more tolerant, supportive, diverse community of empowered humans, who will stand up to injustice. This may be optimistic, but it may also be just what the world is begging for right now.