Kindness
Hello Ladies!
While I cannot predict the direction this blog will take, I can say with some certainty the subject of kindness is one I'll be visiting and revisiting on this platform. I think about kindness when I wake up, as I drive to work, throughout my day and usually as I'm falling asleep. So, because kindness is something that occupies so much of my life, it seemed a fitting subject for my first topic. So this week I bring you: Kindness, (or at the very least, some of my observations about it).
For many years in my youth I wrestled with my relationship to kindness. While I wouldn't describe myself as a bully, I was far from calling myself kind. In my teens and twenties, sarcasm and insults were where my social comfort zone resided. I was outgoing, witty, loud and biting. I possessed a natural compassion and care for my friends and family but it was something I felt I had to hide away. The vulnerability of being kind was almost too intimidating to me in my youth. Kindness felt like a risk, if met with rejection, it would confirm that the world was a horrible place and I would need to protect myself rather than participate.
So I socially hedged my bets. I extended myself but maintained poor personal boundaries and at the same time clung to sarcasm. What I was trying to do by being available to help others was practice kindness, but coupled with poor personal boundaries it often led to being taken advantage of. Due to a lack of confidence and self doubt, when these situations arose, I lacked the ability to confront issues and instead used sarcasm to cover up my feelings of disappointment or frustration. This often resulted in me feeling that my kindness went unappreciated and the world was filled with selfish people who were only out to take what they could from me. To compound this problem I also developed a "I'm okay to do what the group wants" personality that allowed me to sacrifice my own wants and needs for whatever was more important to others.
At 26 this all changed. I suffered a stroke (a story for another post) and was forced to re-examine my life. Overnight I was forced to confront the possibility that my life as I knew it could be over... and in some ways, I was right. While I was fortunate not to suffer facial paralysis or severe speech slurring, I had to regain my motor skills for the left side of my body. As a puppeteer graduate student, I had to confront the possibility that without the full use of my left hand, my career as a puppeteer might be over before it began. It was the most profound obstacle I had ever confronted. So I began my recovery.
The first thing I experienced in my recovery was my overwhelming sense of gratitude. I was so lucky. It was like a wave of gratitude washing over me and even though I don't identify with any organized religion, the thoughts that I sent out to the universe sounded like...
"Thank you. I have my family around me, particularly my sister."
"Thank you. The stroke could have been worse."
"Thank you, for medicine and for medical advances."
"Thank you for science!"
"Thank you, for my amazing doctor, Dr. Rusk."
"Thank you for puppetry (which was a tremendous asset and integral to my physical therapy). "
"Thank you for my amazing physical therapist, Aunt Sisty."
"Thank you to my friends who visited to show their love and never made me feel lonely."
"Thank you..."
I felt like I had an abundance of Thank you's to give.
Here's the funny thing about gratitude, once you're filled with it you have to give voice to it. It wasn't enough that I felt gratitude because it's expanding emotion... you fill with it and it spills over, so you're forced to share it with others or you suffocate. I began to tell those around me how grateful I was to them. Sharing gratitude became linked to my recovery. If I was frustrated at my pace of recovery all I had to do was go into physical therapy and look around the room... so many people had worse injuries than I did. Suddenly, I had lot to be grateful about.
In time I also found a psychologist at my University (shout out to Dr. Henry), who worked with me to help me re-examine my thought patterns and behavior. When concerning my emotions, I have learned accountability, respect, and vocalization. I have learned to set boundaries and say no, so that I didn't deplete my energy doing things I didn't want to do for people. Suddenly I found I was able to say "yes" and mean it when I wanted to do something. I became more present in my social life. And then a funny thing happened... I confronted joy.
One of the exercises I began to practice was to smile. I was advised to practice smiling to myself and observe how it made me feel. So when I was in the car, I smiled. When I was at my desk, I smiled, brushing my teeth... smiling, you get the picture. I'd time myself, five seconds to start then see how long I could maintain it. I'll be totally honest, it was uncomfortable as hell in the beginning but overtime it began to feel natural and then it took on a healing quality. I noticed I felt joy, genuine joy, when I smiled. I also noticed that as I smiled people around me began to smile. It was like an unspoken connection was made when sharing a smile. I instantly felt connected to whatever location I was in and the people I was surrounded by. It felt kind. It was kind. I was experiencing kindness on a focused and present level.
The thing about kindness is that it's hard to experience it and not be filled with hope and joy. These days I have my moments of fear and dread. Often I wake thinking of kindness but I usually start my day by reading the news and am immediately confronted with feelings of frustration and impotency about so many things. So how do I combat this? How do I stay informed, while not letting it pull me down? I have a whole support system I've created, that I'll share in future posts, but I can easily share one thing right now... I leave my house and I smile at strangers.
I go for a walk in my neighborhood and I smile and say hello to my neighbors and the first thing that usually happens is, they smile and say hello back. While driving to work through my neighborhood, I wave to the crossing guard down the street and he waves and smiles back. I smile at people crossing the street, and usually they smile back. Suddenly the world seems a little kinder and I feel a little more connected and centered to my community and my place in the world. Smiling has even been shown to have health benefits. When I implement a "smiling routine" into my day, I usually find after about the second or third connection my mood is elevated and my perspective is more positive.
AND PLEASE Don't confuse this message with the misogynistic culture of telling a girl to smile. I'm not offering up the, "Come on pretty girl, why don't you smile?" (or whatever bullshit comment is made by a d-bag) solution. Fuck that noise, that's not what this is about. This smile is just for you. You own this smile and you decide who you share it with. This smile is meant to bring you comfort first and foremost. You wear this smile for yourself first and others only benefit from it when you decide to share it.
As I said at the start of this post, I'll revisit this subject in future posts, this is just the surface of my thoughts regarding kindness. Our world can seem overwhelming and cold at times. Some days it can feel so hard to find kindness, but on those days be brave enough to try and smile (even if it's just to yourself). It sounds simple and stupid but try it, I think you'll be surprised by the kindness the world can reveal with a smile. I have come to believe that what might save humanity may just be eye contact and a smile shared between strangers. Be well ladies and keep kicking ass until the next post.
While I cannot predict the direction this blog will take, I can say with some certainty the subject of kindness is one I'll be visiting and revisiting on this platform. I think about kindness when I wake up, as I drive to work, throughout my day and usually as I'm falling asleep. So, because kindness is something that occupies so much of my life, it seemed a fitting subject for my first topic. So this week I bring you: Kindness, (or at the very least, some of my observations about it).
For many years in my youth I wrestled with my relationship to kindness. While I wouldn't describe myself as a bully, I was far from calling myself kind. In my teens and twenties, sarcasm and insults were where my social comfort zone resided. I was outgoing, witty, loud and biting. I possessed a natural compassion and care for my friends and family but it was something I felt I had to hide away. The vulnerability of being kind was almost too intimidating to me in my youth. Kindness felt like a risk, if met with rejection, it would confirm that the world was a horrible place and I would need to protect myself rather than participate.
So I socially hedged my bets. I extended myself but maintained poor personal boundaries and at the same time clung to sarcasm. What I was trying to do by being available to help others was practice kindness, but coupled with poor personal boundaries it often led to being taken advantage of. Due to a lack of confidence and self doubt, when these situations arose, I lacked the ability to confront issues and instead used sarcasm to cover up my feelings of disappointment or frustration. This often resulted in me feeling that my kindness went unappreciated and the world was filled with selfish people who were only out to take what they could from me. To compound this problem I also developed a "I'm okay to do what the group wants" personality that allowed me to sacrifice my own wants and needs for whatever was more important to others.
At 26 this all changed. I suffered a stroke (a story for another post) and was forced to re-examine my life. Overnight I was forced to confront the possibility that my life as I knew it could be over... and in some ways, I was right. While I was fortunate not to suffer facial paralysis or severe speech slurring, I had to regain my motor skills for the left side of my body. As a puppeteer graduate student, I had to confront the possibility that without the full use of my left hand, my career as a puppeteer might be over before it began. It was the most profound obstacle I had ever confronted. So I began my recovery.
The first thing I experienced in my recovery was my overwhelming sense of gratitude. I was so lucky. It was like a wave of gratitude washing over me and even though I don't identify with any organized religion, the thoughts that I sent out to the universe sounded like...
"Thank you. I have my family around me, particularly my sister."
"Thank you. The stroke could have been worse."
"Thank you, for medicine and for medical advances."
"Thank you for science!"
"Thank you, for my amazing doctor, Dr. Rusk."
"Thank you for puppetry (which was a tremendous asset and integral to my physical therapy). "
"Thank you for my amazing physical therapist, Aunt Sisty."
"Thank you to my friends who visited to show their love and never made me feel lonely."
"Thank you..."
I felt like I had an abundance of Thank you's to give.
Here's the funny thing about gratitude, once you're filled with it you have to give voice to it. It wasn't enough that I felt gratitude because it's expanding emotion... you fill with it and it spills over, so you're forced to share it with others or you suffocate. I began to tell those around me how grateful I was to them. Sharing gratitude became linked to my recovery. If I was frustrated at my pace of recovery all I had to do was go into physical therapy and look around the room... so many people had worse injuries than I did. Suddenly, I had lot to be grateful about.
In time I also found a psychologist at my University (shout out to Dr. Henry), who worked with me to help me re-examine my thought patterns and behavior. When concerning my emotions, I have learned accountability, respect, and vocalization. I have learned to set boundaries and say no, so that I didn't deplete my energy doing things I didn't want to do for people. Suddenly I found I was able to say "yes" and mean it when I wanted to do something. I became more present in my social life. And then a funny thing happened... I confronted joy.
One of the exercises I began to practice was to smile. I was advised to practice smiling to myself and observe how it made me feel. So when I was in the car, I smiled. When I was at my desk, I smiled, brushing my teeth... smiling, you get the picture. I'd time myself, five seconds to start then see how long I could maintain it. I'll be totally honest, it was uncomfortable as hell in the beginning but overtime it began to feel natural and then it took on a healing quality. I noticed I felt joy, genuine joy, when I smiled. I also noticed that as I smiled people around me began to smile. It was like an unspoken connection was made when sharing a smile. I instantly felt connected to whatever location I was in and the people I was surrounded by. It felt kind. It was kind. I was experiencing kindness on a focused and present level.
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| A moment I captured when visiting the poppy bloom this past year. It was hard not to beam around such beauty. |
I go for a walk in my neighborhood and I smile and say hello to my neighbors and the first thing that usually happens is, they smile and say hello back. While driving to work through my neighborhood, I wave to the crossing guard down the street and he waves and smiles back. I smile at people crossing the street, and usually they smile back. Suddenly the world seems a little kinder and I feel a little more connected and centered to my community and my place in the world. Smiling has even been shown to have health benefits. When I implement a "smiling routine" into my day, I usually find after about the second or third connection my mood is elevated and my perspective is more positive.
AND PLEASE Don't confuse this message with the misogynistic culture of telling a girl to smile. I'm not offering up the, "Come on pretty girl, why don't you smile?" (or whatever bullshit comment is made by a d-bag) solution. Fuck that noise, that's not what this is about. This smile is just for you. You own this smile and you decide who you share it with. This smile is meant to bring you comfort first and foremost. You wear this smile for yourself first and others only benefit from it when you decide to share it.
As I said at the start of this post, I'll revisit this subject in future posts, this is just the surface of my thoughts regarding kindness. Our world can seem overwhelming and cold at times. Some days it can feel so hard to find kindness, but on those days be brave enough to try and smile (even if it's just to yourself). It sounds simple and stupid but try it, I think you'll be surprised by the kindness the world can reveal with a smile. I have come to believe that what might save humanity may just be eye contact and a smile shared between strangers. Be well ladies and keep kicking ass until the next post.
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